It is with mixed feelings that I post this here. Lately (well, not just lately!) I have been muted and hesitant, even silent, in my journals and here on the blog. I know I'm not alone in this. Many of the bloggers I read loyally sometimes doubt the worth of their voice, their message, their work. We question whether to share the hard times, the self doubt, the mess behind the camera. Other bloggers sometimes make us feel bad, and I don't mean deliberately in comments but through our own cruel comparisons, through our own sense of shame, through competing rather than celebrating.
We question our audience. It is easy to have that "what if I have the party and nobody comes?" feeling. What if someone we know irl reads something private? What if someone reads and thinks "who does she think she is?" I battle this one for two main reasons: my dear parents read my blog (and thank you both, I'm glad you do!) which adds an element of accountability, and over the decision (with others) to dissolve a design team on another blog, and then to stay strong in that decision when the blog team reformed.
I've been art journalling for 7 years, at least I've been calling it art journalling for 7 years. It has enriched and grounded my life no end. It has brought me experiences and friendships that I never would have had without it. And then it reached a peak of popularity, and the community expanded. Books and magazines appeared everywhere and familiar names became something approaching celebrities. I rejoiced in this, as I believe it has something to offer so many. And it brought all those doubts in it's wake.
So here I push through. I clear a space on my table, in my day, to face my feelings to set them down, work them through. And I share a glimpse of my current journal, though it's only a corner. Sometimes it needs to be that way.
